That would mean 18-24 months apart. I think that sounds like the end, don't you?
He will not move. Steadfastly refuses, throwing out one excuse after another, which all come down to the same thing.
And I'm staying for now because I don't want to hurt him or disrupt the kids' lives.
And I'm asking myself -- why am I so hesitant to hurt him, when all through our marriage I've done everything, sacrificed everything that I've wanted, to keep him comfortable? And all I've ever gotten back is that 'he's trying', and 'he's always thought that I'd leave anyway.' Trying what? To push me away? Because he's succeeding. I've been getting by on the bare minimum for a long time now, and so have the kids.
It was another year of carving pumpkins alone, of trick-or-treating alone. The only thing that brought him home from his parents' house in time to yell at them for various trespasses before we went out the door, was that I think he heard something in my voice that said, “Go ahead and stay over there. I've got it all handled.” No anger. No bitterness. No frustration. No stoic resolve. But self-reliance. It brought him right home.
We have very little income right now. We're living like trust-fund babies off some investments that have paid off nicely, but are of course finite. He will not look for anything else to do and he's in the buggy-whip profession.* Another option presented to me is to go out and find a job of my own, any job. But the thought of what daycare would cost, of trying to FIND good yet cheap daycare,** of how my grades would drop...I look at the bigger picture and it's not worth it. And it starts me thinking about how I could just as easily do all that on my own anyway, without beer and cigarette money flying out the door...and if I lived back home daycare would be free...
But there lies a honey trap. The last time they visited, my parents individually took me aside and told me to leave him. They stayed with us and they watched his behavior. And he was on his best behavior, that's the really sad part. Leave him, they say, come home, we'll watch the kids, you can go to school, there are connections and networks here that would get you a job in your field instantly, (some from my mom and some that I've maintained for 20 years). We'll all do things together like go to the theater, the symphony, this that and the other. On top of that I have my Catholic parents blessing to leave my marriage. Oh my God.***
It sounds so good, doesn't it? But all that sweet support has a trapdoor that opens unexpectedly. My mom says they'll have no trouble watching the kids, and I think she believes it, but I've seen it in action. She likes to play martyr at inopportune times. And my parents travel more now that they are retired. Summer it was Tuscany. Winter it will be a Mediterranean cruise. Last month was spent in Florida (with encouragement to 'come down here and look at these houses! We're looking at them, and they have a state-of-the-art facility that you'd love, with a full-paid tuition on the promise that you'd work there for two years. And there's a charter school for the kids that is incredible. It's BEAUTIFUL down here! Think about it!' We'd help!)
They want me back. I think at any cost. Except one; they will not move out here. So I can't quite trust them. That, and I don't want to get stuck living in my old hometown. I don't think. Jury's still out on that one. No, there's another place I want to live, somewhere close to the ocean.
And there's a big black spider in the honey trap, and until she's dead I will not trust that my parents will keep my kids properly supervised around her, let alone avoid her completely.
So I'm sitting in the library writing this instead of figuring out how to determine the limiting reactants – the beginning substances in a chemical reaction whose scarcity limits the amount of product produced.
But maybe that's what I'm actually doing here, too.
*He keeps trying to make those buggy-whips pay though, trying to make them pay enough out for us and for his parents, because our finances are Gordian-knotted together. If only he'd put the same energy into a relationship with his children. Instead they get the frustration hurled at them.
**We can't even keep a tutor at this point – he 'forgot' to bring them to a session and so pissed off one, and the latest, well, he can't figure out what happened with her but I think I can.
***Hell, my dad's comment was, 'you were too quick to marry.' I could write another post on THIS and how fucked up it is, and I will at some point.
7 comments:
Jeez, don't get me started on parents and their reactions to marriage (or the ends thereof). Strip away the reasons and all the rationales. Close your eyes to anyone other than yourself.
What does your gut tell you to do?
It's complicated --- everything that is a change from what we are doing at present always seems complicated because it's different.
But trust that you can work it out.
I promise you -- the details work out and you work your way through it all.
So wish upon a star -- figure out what that wish is -- and then start making it come true.
We're here cheering you on. That woman with the coffee might even come scoop you up and take you somewhere near the water....
xo
i was struck by you wondering why you were so loath to hurt him. Because you are a kind person, caring and nurturing.
I hate to give you advice, because only you can figure this mess out.
But..but..but...Your kids.
You are already alone.
It's never easy. Those that say, "Why didn't she just leave?" have no idea the complications and other people to consider. You will find your way though, I feel it. And we're always here to listen or help.
When I was a kid and watched movies on Sunday night, I would frequently ask myself, "Why does the woman who is getting the crap beat out of her stay in the marriage until it is almost too late?"
I still don't have the answer to that question, but having worked two jobs where sexual harassment was a huge problem, and almost failing to find the strength to walk away in time, I do understand why it can be difficult to leave. Loyalty, integrity, an self-worth all have a way of muddying the water.
Not advice, exactly, but, a consideration should you choose to go. Your parents say they will be there for you and support you. This is good. Few people have a safety net. Use the net for reassurance in case you slip, but don't use the safety net in lieu of the tightrope. You may catch your leg in a hole and find it difficult to work your way free.
I wish I could give you the quick and correct answer but that is something that one day, one hour, one minute will just come and you will know that is is the correct one.
It took me years to finally take care of me and "hurt" him by telling him to stay away, don't come home. I didn't answer his calls or call him. This was very hard for me because I was codependent to a tee.
I can't tell you this is THE answer but it worked for me and him.
I transferred to a new job, lost weight, all for ME, not for anyone else.
He realized what he had lost. Not just me but my family, a home--a real home he had not had in years, his family, daughters, grandkids, his job, etc. etc. etc. He then on his own decided to go into treatment.
This is not how it always works out. I was very blessed.
You are in my thoughts as well as your kids and He as well.
Kel Kel
Love you sweety... I will keep you on my mind and send vibes to help you sort this out. Your 2 options just may have brothers and sisters and you may want to build that doorway on your own?
This is way late because I have been occupied with all of that wonderful writing in my class. I have neglected my blogging!
My gut reaction to you moving back to your hometown is NOOOOO! I understand the safety net but it comes at a great price. The "spider" needs to go first. After that, you'd be safe.
I am so sorry for the pain you are dealing with. But keep your eyes on that RN prize. You will be fine. The kids will be too. He won't. He never will until he chooses the right path. He hasn't hit bottom yet. By your actions, you may need to force him to go there.
Love you.
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