First Timer

So I've been doing some things to change this situation. No, not change the situation; I'm learning I can't do that. It's up to him to change what he's doing. I've voiced my discontent, my anger. That's all I can do about it as it stands. The things I can do are change my own behavior, and/or get the hell out.

I've been building my safety net. Telling you guys was the first step. I'm done hiding his problems away from the world.

I'm getting money together to open another savings account in a different bank. Updating my resume. Looking for entry-level jobs in my new field, for when the kids go back to school in the fall. I'm getting help from a friend who lives here, a fellow Blogger, j c m j, who has been my sister since we met in high school. I told her everything that happened. And she knows me well enough to know that while I can always see the big picture, I just can't always see the details, and I really can't carry some of them out without a shove.

"When it comes down to it," I said, "I'm really just a head in a jar."

"Yes, but you're a good head in a jar." she replied. And she offered to be my hands.

The other thing I did today was attend my first Al-Anon meeting. I cried like a fucking baby through the whole thing. Which was strange for me because I don't cry much outside of sad movies where animals and/or children die. I smile, I laugh, I nod knowingly, I make obscene jokes, I shoot out poisonous barbs when stepped on (and sometimes just for the hell of it). I don't cry.

One of the women afterwards told me it was ok, everybody does that the first time. It's a good sign; it means I felt safe enough for it. So.

My parents are coming out next week. My mom knows what's going on, I don't know if my dad knows. He has a very hot temper. Should be fun.

Mu husband and I are currently in the 'hearts and flowers' phase of this little dance that we do, that apparently so many addicts and their loved ones do. He's treating me with kid gloves, complimenting me at every turn, picking up more of the housework, being incredibly patient with the kids. He even went all day yesterday without a drink. Usually, this behavior would give me hope that things were Finally Normal and that I could Relax Now (not that I've relaxed for years) because it was Just Me Blowing a Situation Out of Proportion. But it's different this time. Because his behavior is wrong, even now. It's manipulative. Good or bad, the behavior is manipulative. I see that now.

Ok. Got to get on with what I'm supposed to be doing right now.

Thank you again. SO much.


P.S. Lady of the Dark Brew, I will call you later when I'm home.