It's been quieter. Until last night.
I got home late. He said the kids had been good while I was gone. A relief for me. It was getting late, and they were still outside. I herded them in, checked my email while he went down the hall to help them get ready for bed. Then the yelling started.
I went to their room. They were messing around, not getting their pjs on quickly. Stalling. Nothing new. But the youngest was starting to get worked up. The youngest is sensitive, sometimes needs to be treated with kid gloves, especially when a meal is skipped. I'd left food, I'd been making food for a friend's party all day. But there's this disconnect between my husband and dinner. If he's not hungry, then why bother with dinner? And I have to be away three nights a week this summer. Anyway, I'm drifting. I'm tired.
So the youngest had gotten worked up in the space of two minutes while I checked my email. And called dad a name. And dad did not like that. Of course not, who would?
The problem is, dad had had too much to drink again, and had no patience whatsoever. He was in the youngest's face. It was difficult to determine who was the child and who was the adult. So I intervened, told my husband to just go, cool off, I've got it. I said this calmly. I do everything calmly.
The youngest went into the bathroom to brush teeth. My other kid was in there already. I loaded up brushes with toothpaste, supervised. The youngest was still crying. The youngest was tired. It was late. I had things under control.
And then something hit me from behind, hit the youngest in the face. A cup of water. My husband threw a cup of water on us, on my youngest.
I yelled. I know I yelled because my throat was sore afterwards. I swung around and hit my husband in the arm. I can't believe I did that. And in front of my kids.
I yelled at him to go, just go. Get out. Go downstairs and cool off. He wouldn't. He stood in the doorway. He was so angry. He said he did it to shut the kid up. He wouldn't budge. I wanted to get out of there, get my youngest into dry pjs, get myself dried off.
I don't even remember if I pushed past him, or if he finally got out of the way. I got the youngest calmed down and into dry pjs The oldest took everything in stride. Too much in stride. Way too much in stride. They picked out books and I read to them. I could hear him in the kitchen, doing a chore he never does normally, and never at this time of night. He's usually on the computer while I put the kids to bed. Then he goes in to kiss them goodnight.
I came out to the kitchen after reading. Still wet. He didn't acknowledge me. I asked him if he was going to go in and tell them goodnight. He said they could wait. I could hear them getting wound up again. One came out, asking after dad. He followed the kid back in. I could hear him lecturing.
So of course we had a fight when he got back to the kitchen. And it boils down to this. He wasn't sorry. The kid deserved it, and I was just in the way. And why was I upset about that? I was just in the way. I told him it didn't matter, if he hit one of the kids, he hit me, whether I was there or not. He said I always sided with them. (As if this were a war.) I went back to saying that I couldn't believe what he just did. He said he deserved an apology, from the kid and from me. That I never make the kids apologize to him when something like this happens.
This seems so fucked up to me. Why should they have to apologize for this? For the name-calling yes, of course. And I would have told the kid to do just that. But first the kid needed to calm down. And that wasn't going to happen with a drunk father yelling in the face.
All of this is not how I thought it was going to be. But my question is, is it normal?
Because I don't know. I don't know if I should be packing us into the car right now, or if I'm being dramatic. It was water, not a fist. It was just water, but I don't think I've ever felt so humiliated. And I don't know what it's doing to the kids.
It's not even the water. It's the lack of remorse from him. But should I expect remorse? Am I asking too much? Am I in the wrong? Does he deserve an apology?
The kid is young. The kid was tired. I don't think this is right.
What's normal?
Oh, and today's our 15th anniversary.
10 comments:
I'm no saint. I've yelled at my kids. I've grabbed them too rough in anger. I've even shaken one when I was just too tired. But I've done anything without remorse or drunk. So here's my thought.
This scares me Nancy. It scares me because he doesn't feel remorse. And if he doesn't, this could escalate beyond 'just water'. I know you love him. I know he's a good guy when he's not drunk. But, he has a problem.
Every parent gets frustrated with their kids. Every parent does stuff they regret. But they regret it. How will he change if he doesn't think it's wrong? No I don't think this is normal and I seriously think you need to ask yourself if you believe he will escalate. Because if there is any chance of that, I'd get yourself and those boys safe.
Maybe, it's tough love time. Maybe he will choose to get help if you lay it on the line.
I'll be thinking of you constantly. I really hope I'm wrong.
that was supposed to say, "I haven't done anything without remorse"
When he's drunk, you are the only advocate the boys have, parental or otherwise. I know he is the father, and I'm not offering any advice here, just a few thoughts to consider.
If he were a stranger, would you allow him to treat your kids this way, because when he is ripped he's probably not behaving like the man you fell in love with, or the one you wanted to procreate with and spend your life with...how's that for wasting prepositions/
I know appeasement seems like the solution that will offer the least amount of confrontation where the boys are concerned, but I worry it may only be a short-term solution. It may not escalate, but do want to risk exposing the boys if it does?
I've considered him a friend, but perhaps it's no longer so. Leave him. One of two things will likely happen- he'll realize what's at risk and will improve to earn you back, or he'll rationalize/self-pity it and accelerate his decent, and you don't want to go on that ride.
You know where I stand on commitments, discipline, honor, and violence. My past connection with him gives me reason to stick up for him, but I cannot.
Life is too short for this kind of thing. Get out now. No- right now. Make a plan and do it. If he comes to his senses and is prepared to make changes, get clear commitments from him, and clear consequences for his failure to uphold them. So what if you love him and are willing to continue your misery- the kids didn't agree to that.
For what it's worth, you may be thinking of your folks, but also know that this door is open at all times. Yes. Really. You can come over and stay as long as you want.
I"m afraid I agree with darj sweetheart. It's time for a timeout. He had no reason to treat the kiddo that way. He is a child for cripes sake. Please use your rational mind and not your heart on this one my friend. He needs to own up to his woes and IMO you and the kids don't need to support this behavior. He needs to grow up FAST or it's time for YOU to be the responsible one and take the kids to a safe peaceful place. If that doesn't open his eyes nothing will sweet gurlie. I know it's a tough thought but he is playing a tough game and I feel you have no choice but to protect yourself. Violence is NOT acceptable.
Manipulators (which drucks are masters of manipulation) are experts at getting you to question your version of reality. To make you think you are crazy.
You are not crazy.
This is not okay. These kids are FIVE YEARS OLD. (Or thereabouts) They should not have to act as adults, that's his job.
I can't tell you what to do, and until you are done, you will not be done. But you are not the problem here.
I have been thinking about you lots.
These are actions of someone with an addiction. As Meno said they are manipulators, liars, and do not know how to show remorse because it is NEVER THIER PROBLEM!!!!! Take it from me, I lived with an addict for 5 years.
Still, 2 years clean he has a problem showing emotion because his addiction killed all emotion, sadness, love, all of it.
As it has already been said, you are not the problem, it took me many, many, tearful nights to realize this.
My boyfriend never was abusive in anyway except my mental grief of knowing what he was doing when he was not here.
Any abuse is not OK, you really know that and we can all tell you, but YOU have to realize it and be ready to leave, kick him out, call the cops, whatever needs to be done for your boys and you.
My thoughts are with you.
Kel Kel
Tried to call you. Hope you are doing well! Thinking of you.
As always, thank you, thank you everyone. I've been thinking about what everyone has said here, and I'm doing something about it. I'll tell you how things are going in the next post.
Was out of the loop. Sorry, sweet. But I'd have said much the same thing. I've dated addicts, married a narcissist with addiction problems. They make it your fault, and if you stay in it too long, you come out the other end not knowing which way is up. The fact that you have to ask us is a sign you have perhaps been in Wonderland too long and don't know if you are big or small.
I'm glad I read the newest post first.
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