That would mean 18-24 months apart. I think that sounds like the end, don't you?
He will not move. Steadfastly refuses, throwing out one excuse after another, which all come down to the same thing.
And I'm staying for now because I don't want to hurt him or disrupt the kids' lives.
And I'm asking myself -- why am I so hesitant to hurt him, when all through our marriage I've done everything, sacrificed everything that I've wanted, to keep him comfortable? And all I've ever gotten back is that 'he's trying', and 'he's always thought that I'd leave anyway.' Trying what? To push me away? Because he's succeeding. I've been getting by on the bare minimum for a long time now, and so have the kids.
It was another year of carving pumpkins alone, of trick-or-treating alone. The only thing that brought him home from his parents' house in time to yell at them for various trespasses before we went out the door, was that I think he heard something in my voice that said, “Go ahead and stay over there. I've got it all handled.” No anger. No bitterness. No frustration. No stoic resolve. But self-reliance. It brought him right home.
We have very little income right now. We're living like trust-fund babies off some investments that have paid off nicely, but are of course finite. He will not look for anything else to do and he's in the buggy-whip profession.* Another option presented to me is to go out and find a job of my own, any job. But the thought of what daycare would cost, of trying to FIND good yet cheap daycare,** of how my grades would drop...I look at the bigger picture and it's not worth it. And it starts me thinking about how I could just as easily do all that on my own anyway, without beer and cigarette money flying out the door...and if I lived back home daycare would be free...
But there lies a honey trap. The last time they visited, my parents individually took me aside and told me to leave him. They stayed with us and they watched his behavior. And he was on his best behavior, that's the really sad part. Leave him, they say, come home, we'll watch the kids, you can go to school, there are connections and networks here that would get you a job in your field instantly, (some from my mom and some that I've maintained for 20 years). We'll all do things together like go to the theater, the symphony, this that and the other. On top of that I have my Catholic parents blessing to leave my marriage. Oh my God.***
It sounds so good, doesn't it? But all that sweet support has a trapdoor that opens unexpectedly. My mom says they'll have no trouble watching the kids, and I think she believes it, but I've seen it in action. She likes to play martyr at inopportune times. And my parents travel more now that they are retired. Summer it was Tuscany. Winter it will be a Mediterranean cruise. Last month was spent in Florida (with encouragement to 'come down here and look at these houses! We're looking at them, and they have a state-of-the-art facility that you'd love, with a full-paid tuition on the promise that you'd work there for two years. And there's a charter school for the kids that is incredible. It's BEAUTIFUL down here! Think about it!' We'd help!)
They want me back. I think at any cost. Except one; they will not move out here. So I can't quite trust them. That, and I don't want to get stuck living in my old hometown. I don't think. Jury's still out on that one. No, there's another place I want to live, somewhere close to the ocean.
And there's a big black spider in the honey trap, and until she's dead I will not trust that my parents will keep my kids properly supervised around her, let alone avoid her completely.
So I'm sitting in the library writing this instead of figuring out how to determine the limiting reactants – the beginning substances in a chemical reaction whose scarcity limits the amount of product produced.
But maybe that's what I'm actually doing here, too.
*He keeps trying to make those buggy-whips pay though, trying to make them pay enough out for us and for his parents, because our finances are Gordian-knotted together. If only he'd put the same energy into a relationship with his children. Instead they get the frustration hurled at them.
**We can't even keep a tutor at this point – he 'forgot' to bring them to a session and so pissed off one, and the latest, well, he can't figure out what happened with her but I think I can.
***Hell, my dad's comment was, 'you were too quick to marry.' I could write another post on THIS and how fucked up it is, and I will at some point.
